This is not a post

Don't bother to read it, because it won't tell you anything.











See? I told you so.

My Day From Hell

Ok, I'm temporarily suspending my Whine-None-None credo for this post, because if I don't vent about what happened today I'm gonna pop. It started when I rudely awoke myself...

I'm something of a snorer (so I've been told, I'm never around when it happens) and apparently I had an apnea episode that culminated in the apparent inhalation of an undetermined but non-trivial quantity of my own saliva. Yeah, I know its gross. Deal with it! I'm just getting started. Anyway, I wake up coughing like crazy, and this goes on for about half an hour. I finally settle down, get dressed, and start driving to a Dr's appointment, its Annual Physical time again. Just can't wait for that gray-haired guy to stick his finger up my ass! I get caught in traffic so I call to let them know I'm running a little late. It turns out that this appointment I made a year ago (been carrying that damn card in my wallet the whole time) wasn't on the morning schedule for them, in fact my doctor is out today. I inform them that they just called last Friday to confirm the appointment, but they choose to ignore that inconvenient truth. Now I gotta go back tomorrow and try again. Ok, I can deal with this.

So now I'm back at home, and I decide that, since its the first of the month, I ought to see about paying some bills. Top of the stack is my new, post-divorce Visa card.
FLASHBACK: I'm talking to the Visa folks about this card a month ago and mention that I'm about to move. Being the savvy marketers that they are, they inform me of a handy little Credit Protection Plan they offer that will pay my minimum payment for me for up to three months if I'm moving. Great, says I, sign me up. Yada yada yada, "ok sir, its all set up." Great, says I, and go about my business.
BACK TO PRESENT: I see that bill, and its a week overdue but, hey, I'm covered, right? Hmmm, better make sure. I call and traverse the automated phone labyrinth for half an hour until I have determined that, no, I'm not being covered during my move and, yes, my payment is late and, sorry, but the sweet 0% intro offer has blossomed into 12%+ apr, you deadbeat. Fine. I go to my bank (through which I acquired the card) and inform them that I'm canceling this card, please pay it off. As I'm paying it off, one the bank folks is on the phone trying to fix it, and... she does! I'm informed that my intro rate has been restored, sorry for the inconvenience, we value you as a customer blah blah blah.

This is one good thing that happened today.

Now I'm off to the bank that holds my mortgage, with payment coupon and check in hand. I walk in and plop the papers down. The teller informs me that they cannot accept my payment because its short. How short, asks I. One cent.
There is a typo on the payment coupon, says they. The computer has "the correct amount," and its one cent more. So, asks I, if I had mailed this payment with the coupon THAT YOU PEOPLE MAILED TO ME FOR THAT EXPRESS PURPOSE, I would have been flagged as paying late? Yes, says they. I amend the amount on the check by one stupid cent and pay my house note. This doesn't bode well for the remainder of my relationship with this bank. Maybe they'll sell my note soon.

This is actually another good thing that happened today, although it didn't actually seem like it at the time.

Work is uneventful. I get off for my lunch break around 7:00 pm (I work from 1pm to 10pm) and head off for to get some food.
A pizza delivery guy pulls out in front of me, never looking my direction until I lean on the horn. He has by now blocked my path and I must swerve to the left to avoid T-boning him. This path takes me bouncing over the curb and onto the center esplanade, jarring my car and my teeth. I come to a stop, having bounced back onto the road again, and see pizza-guy proceeding on his merry way, the opposite direction. Ooooooh, no you don't. I throw it into reverse and execute a passable Starsky-&-Hutch move and I'm off after him. I finally flag him down well into the adjoining neighborhood. I get out. He gets out. I point to my bent alloy wheel and say, "That's yours. You just bought it." He tries feebly to argue about it but quickly agrees to accept the blame when I mention calling a cop to mediate. We exchange insurance info and I'm back on my way. Hmm, the steering wheel feels a bit mushy, but the tire is holding air. I get some grub and take it to the house to eat.

After I eat, I'm standing on the patio having a smoke when the next-door neighbor prairie-dogs over the fence and informs me that someone threw a couple of big rocks through one of my front bedroom windows. He also found my mail laying in the yard in front of said window. Sure enough, I've been vandalized. One rock (about the size of your fist) made it out the bedroom door and all the way down the hall. Glass is everywhere, and two panes have large holes in them. I notice at this point that there sure are a lot of mosquitoes in my house. So now I get to catch West Nile disease in my sleep tonight. If I'm lucky, I'll inhale the little bastard first with a well-timed apnea gasp.

As I write this, I've opened a claim on my car, and still I await the arrival of one of Houston's Finest, so that I have a police report to reference when I file a claim on my homeowner's insurance. I'm barely in this place and my rates are already about to rise. Sometimes I hate being a grownup, but just briefly. In the meantime I have two window panes covered with duct tape and all my possessions still intact.

A word to the wise. I'm sleeping with my 9mm under my pillow from now on, be sure to knock first. Ok?

I'm Still Alive...

Due to the overwhelming demand, I am posting something new. I must apologize to the Wambulance Nation for my monumental slacking since the November election - the whole concept of "Speaker Pelosi" still makes me involuntarily guzzle tequila. But that is no excuse for allowing so much dust to accumulate in the interim.

(cue sad music)

These last few months have been a bit hectic in the personal realm of your humble correspondent's life, culminating in a recently-finalized-yet-long-anticipated divorce from my wife of 17 years (not counting the previous 8 years of "living in sin") and all of the associated legal wrangling, property division, and general bullshit which attends such an event. To ease your collective mind, it was an amicable split with the children's best interests given the greatest priority, and as such can be adequately described as a "good thing."

(cue party music)

But hey! Wambulance exists not to depress, but to agitate!
To purge!
To piss off!
To precipitate chuckles!
To maybe-someday-generate-enough-traffic-to-pay-for-a-used-pickup-truck!
With an extended cab and a spray-on bed liner!

So, in the spirit of Whine-None-None, I pledge to all my regular reader(s) and you poor bastards that landed here by accident, that I will try really hard to post more often, to offer my insights on affairs more current than 4 months ago, and be generally semi-diligent rather than wholly indigent.

Really. I'll try.

Just keep in mind that I'm buying a house at the moment and still have to pack all my shit, so it may not seem as if I'm Really Trying for a bit yet. Therefore, I beg your indulgence.

Gratuitous Embedded YouTube Clip: Why Vote Republican?

Thats why.

Carter Desperate To Pass His Crown To Bush

Since his resounding defeat by Ronald Reagan in 1980, Jimmy Carter has chafed under the well-deserved mantle of "Worst President - Ever." And its so unfair! Just because he presided over double-digit inflation, humiliation and loss of American prestige due to his inept bungling of the Iranian hostage crisis, and the precedent-setting appeasement of Islamic radicals (which has served to enbolden jihadists ever since), surely there has been a worse president than he at some point in history, right? ...Right? ...Anyone? ...No?


So Jimmy set himself to the task of proving to the world that he wasn't really the "Worst President - Ever" by sticking his stubby little proboscis into the affairs anyone who lacked the ability to tell him to butt out. Eventually, the good ol' boys in the Tyrants and Despots Society figured out that Jimmy's intrusive littly schnoz had a handy ring attached, by which he could be easily led about for the purpose of advancing their own agendas, such as "certifying" rigged elections and generally oppressing their respective populations. And so Jimmy tightened his grip on his dubious title even more.

One particularly spectacular display of "Jimmy the Tool" was his unsanctioned buttinski mission to North Korea, in which Kim Jung Il "agreed" to the conditions that would become Clinton's "Agreed Framework" policy. Kim told Jimmy, "Hey, I don't really want nukes, I just want a hug (and $5billion in aid, energy, and nuclear reactors)"and Jimmy bought it all like a yokel with a new deed to the Brooklyn Bridge. That Kim proceeded to violate the Agreed Framework from the beginning is undisputed -- the NorKos even admit it. What is disputed (among liberals, that is) is whose fault it is that Kim enjoyed unfettered opportunity and financing to develop nuclear weapons. Its Bush's fault! Jimmy says so!

Liberals have consistently tried and failed to brand every Republican president since Carter as the "Worst President - Ever." They said it about Reagan - the man who won the Cold War and has emerged as one of the finest presidents in our history. They tried to hang the title on Bush Sr., but the fact that he was head and shoulders (and torso and legs) above Carter was obvious even to them. Now they are trying to hang the title on Dubya, and Carter is leading the charge. He knows that George Bush is his last, best chance to lose the WP-E title in what remains of his lifetime, and his desperation to do so would be comical if it weren't so pathetic. And he knows that the most effective way to do so is to utilize the time-honored Democrat tradition of rewriting history.

Just as the Democrats have taken credit for Civil Rights (they opposed it) and winning the Cold War (they opposed that too), and claimed opposition to the war in Iraq (they supported it), they are now trying to gloss over their appeasement of Kim Jung Il by blaming NoKor's acquistion of nuclear weapons on Bush. The most idiotic argument they are making is that, by branding Kim part of the "Axis of Evil" Bush hurt his feelings and caused him to cheat on the Agreed Framework. This is preposterous and disengenuous. But those are the best descriptions for most of the Democrat's attacks on Bush, so what is new?

Jimmy (the one-termer) hears the clock ticking. He knows that his legacy as WP-E is all but assured unless he can pass it on to Dubya (a two-termer). I plan on enjoying his squirming.

My Meager Contribution To The Pre-Election Political Discourse

I've been blog-slacking lately, sorry. Here are a couple of items that I can post quickly to atone for my neglect and then pretty much continue to slack.

First, a commercial by Airplane and Scary Movie 3 (and 4) director David Zucker, who is a Hollywood rarity for his political views:



Gotta like that guy.

Next, here is a parody website sponsored by the Republican National Committee, which gives you a peek at what a Democrat-controlled congress would look like. It is called America Weakly.

Now, back to slacking...

Update: David Zucker's new Taxman commercial:



Now my advice for those who die,
Declare the pennies on your eyes...

Ahmadinnerjacket Speaks to the U.N. ...

...And he brought his damned aura with him again.


You know, when Pinochio's nose grew, at least it wasn't such a gaudy spectacle.

And BTW, does this guy even own a necktie? This is supposed to be a classy joint, after all.

Lockheed Martin to Build NASA's Orion Spaceship

This was just announced. Most of you probably don't care, but this is really good news for me and I am unable to gloat about it because I'm surrounded by employees of (losing Orion bidder) Boeing Aerospace. At the bottom of the article it lists Lockheed Martin's partners (emphasis mine):

Lockheed Martin’s major teammates include: shuttle-operator United Space Alliance of Houston; Orbital Sciences Corp. of Dulles, Va.; Honeywell Defense and Space Electronics Systems, Minneapolis, Minn; and Hamilton Sundstrand of Windsor Locks, Conn.

Things may be looking up for the ol' career today! Woohoo!!!!

Update: Here are more "artist's conceptions" of the Orion spacecraft.

I'm Not a Misogynist, She's Just a Moron.

Don Feder at FrontpageMag.com penned this (to me, at least) amusing little article in response to one Robyn E. Blumner, who he describes as "...one of those feminist writers who specializes in reducing complex issues to lectures on Mars and Venus." Ms. Blumner recently wrote an article in the St. Petersburg Times entitled "U.S. could use more girlie men" in which she laments George Bush's "swaggering cowboy approach to geopolitics," illustrating her point with references to the fictional western TV series, Deadwood. Such a relevant point of reference, don't you agree?

Feder can barely contain his contempt for Blumner's blather:

Bet you’ll never guess who’s turning the world Deadwood male? That right, it’s that rider of the range, the lone Texan who goes by the handle G.W.

"Yet this dirty, street-fighting paradigm has fit perfectly with George Bush’s swaggering cowboy approach to geopolitics. Bush likes his enemies in black hats and hiding in the brush. For Bush, justice gets meted out when the good guys take matters into their own hands and don’t wait for lawyers with fancy words like ‘due process.’"

Fight terrorists with lawyers? What a novel idea! We can serve them with writs. Better yet, we can put them on notice that they’re violating the constitutional rights of airline passengers (like the right not to have all of their limbs simultaneously severed by explosive devices). Our terrorist-fighting ambulance chasers could demand that Hezbollah file an environmental impact statement before it fires any more rockets at Israel. Osama will be cowering in his cave.

As G.W. might say, "The little lady jes' don't get it." And then he would nail a bullseye in the nearest spittoon. "She's right purty, though. Jes' a little cross-eyed."

Terrorist Theater Tricks

I found a great article by Caroline B. Glick at Jewish World Review about how the West is losing the information war with the terrorists, with the willing aid of most of the Mainstream Media and Non-Government Organizations:

AS IS the case with the Palestinian war against Israel, one of the most notable aspects of Hizbullah's latest campaign against Israel has been the active collaboration of news organizations and international NGO's in Hizbullah's information war against Israel. Like their rogue state sponsors, subversive sub-national groups like Hizbullah, Fatah and Hamas, see information operations as an integral part of their war for the annihilation of Israel and defeat of the West. And their information operations are more advanced than any the world has seen. As becomes more evident with each passing day, they have successfully corrupted both the world media and the community of NGOs that purportedly operate in a neutral manner in war zones.

Rightful praise is directed at the blogosphere for exposing the blatant fabrications of Hamas and Hezbollah, and due scorn heaped upon their media sympathizers and enablers. The war is not being televised; television is just another battlefield.

(cartoon courtesy of Cox & Forkum)

...And Then There Were Eight.

Nearly every living person in the world today has only known a sky with nine planets. With the discovery of Sedna in 2003, it appeared that the age of double-digit planets was here.

Then they found hundreds of smaller objects in Sedna's neighborhood, the Kuiper Belt, including several more objects like Sedna, which itself was practically similar to Pluto. Hmm. How many planets do we really need here, after all?

This week's annual convention of the International Astronomical Union considered that question, and the answer they returned was, "eight." Not "ten," not "five-hundred and nine." Just eight.

Poor benighted Pluto. Its bad enough that there is a Disney cartoon dog named after it (and what the hell is Goofy? Save that for another post) Once riding high as the latest, if not greatest, planet to be discovered, Pluto has now been demoted. The IAU released a new definition of what constitutes a planet, and Pluto no longer fits the bill. The word "planet" originally designated a celestial body which moved against the static stellar background. Now it has been more narrowly defined.

The decision establishes three main categories of objects in our solar system.
Planets: The eight worlds from Mercury to Neptune.
Dwarf Planets: Pluto and any other round object that "has not cleared the neighborhood around its orbit, and is not a satellite."
Small Solar System Bodies: All other objects orbiting the Sun.

Another competing definition of "planet" would have inadvertantly included in the largest asteroid Ceres, and so was rejected.

Enjoy our current eight-planet-ness while it lasts, I expect this to be overturned later when the other 99% of astronomers weigh in on this subject.

I'll end with a rare astronomy joke:
Q.How do you find Pluto with your telescope?
A.First look for the big arrow.

...And The Lawyers Cheered!

The federal government finally found a judge to screw Big Tobacco.
From the AP:

- A federal judge ordered tobacco companies Thursday to admit they lied about the harmful effects of smoking cigarettes and to warn consumers in advertisements and packaging that tobacco is addictive.
U.S. District Judge Gladys Kessler ruled that the industry conspired for decades to deceive the public about the dangers of smoking and now must pay to help smokers kick the habit.

There are now going to be so many lawsuits filed after this, there will be classes made up of more classes. Let the litigation begin!

Jimmy Carter: Fool's Mandate

Arguably the worst president in US history, Jimmy Carter now believes that his views represent the majority of Democrats. The sad part about this is, he is probably right. In an interview with Der Spiegel that is fraught with softball-questions and mutual tch-tching, Carter bemoans:
--Israel's "unjustified attack on Lebanon."
--How the Bush administration "has not attempted at all in the last six years to negotiate or attempt to negotiate a settlement between Israel and any of its neighbors or the Palestinians."
--Blah blah blah.

Short memory you got there, Jimmy.

Touting his own Camp David accords between Israel and Egypt, Carter concludes that negotiation is the only legitimate course of "action" for any crisis. When the interviewer responds with "But negotiations failed to prevent the burning of Beirut and bombardment of Haifa," Carter's reply is "I'm distressed."
Read it if you want. I've got better things to do, myself...

(Carter caricature courtesy of Cox & Forkum)

The Mysterious "Green Helmet Guy"

He has most recently appeared in "news photos" taken in the aftermath of Israel's attack on Hizbollah missile launcher sites in the Lebanese town of Qana, which is a known Hizbollah stronghold. The most widely distributed picture of GHG showed him holding up a dead child so that all the reporters and photogs could get a better shot (widely believed to be an intentional propaganda pose, I refuse to show this picture). Then more pics of GHG were found dating from a similar Israeli strike on Qana in 1996. Who is this mysterious man with the olive-drab skid-lid?

After extensively googling this issue, I have learned agreat deal about the Green Helmet Guy.

For instance, he used to be an actor, but he wound up here.




I discovered that GHG is a "cat person" too... one of those annoying types who like to play Kitty Dress-Up:


As GHG's fame spreads far and wide, the marketing possibilities appear to be endless. Isn't this how Spiderman got his start?


Don't forget the toy market too!



Let me conclude this post making a promise to everyone in the Wambulance Nation that, before I decide to do another post like this in the future, I will first save my nickels and buy PhotoShop, instead of hacking images with MS Paint. Cross my heart.


Update: GHG now has a blog of his own.

Wambulance Ethics Corner: The 3 Ways to Lie

First of all, let me state for the record that lying should rarely be the preferred course of action. There are all kinds of drawbacks and pitfalls that await the liar. Your could get caught in a lie, and damage the hard-earned trust that is the foundation of most significant inter-personal relationships. But most importantly, you should avoid lying for these reasons:

• Lying isn't truthful.
• Lying isn't honest.
• Lying requires a very long and accurate memory.
• Do you like being lied to?
• Me neither.

At some point, however, the need to lie will arise. Perhaps you will want to spare the feelings of a friend or loved one, or deflect an uncomfortable, albeit innocent, question from a child. But more than likely, you will lie to save your own miserable hide. You will need to know the 3 Ways to Lie.

1. The Basic Falsehood
This is a lie that is utterly devoid of any truth. The key here is to keep it simple. Don't elaborate at all, because its the details that will trip you up. Can you remember all the particulars of any conversation you have had longer than a month ago? What makes you think you will remember any of that creative fiction you just conjured on the fly to cover your ass? Also, the person you lied to will always remember at least one detail you won't, and nail you with it later. The Basic Falsehood perfectly illustrates the point that, if you have a lousy memory, you are better off not lying at all.

2. Tell The Truth, But Leave Out The Bad Parts
If the lie is a minor part of a larger narrative, then it is best to be completely honest in all details, but just don't mention the parts that will get you in trouble. The advantage here is that you lessen the burden on your already over-taxed memory (especially if you lie a lot), and any detail that is later brought up will be one of the true parts, which are much easier to remember. The key here is that your lie of omission must be about a small detail in order to work. If you are out until 2:00 AM and you tell your spouse that you just went to the corner store for some cigarettes, the timeline will not fit, and your lie will fail. If your spouse thinks you quit smoking, then tell him/her what you were really doing until 2:00 AM but leave out the part about getting the cigarettes. If you were being naughty until 2:00 AM then refer back to The Basic Falsehood or move on to the final Way To Lie.

3. Tell The Truth, But Act Like You Are Lying.
This is the method of last resort. Here is the situation: You have been caught in a lie. They know you did something. Your guilt is evident, but the particulars are still uncertain. You can't escape, but you can mitigate the situation in this way: tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Tell the truth in as much minute detail as you can muster, and omit nothing. They will eventually become convinced that you are lying. They are already predisposed to disbelieving you anyway, so its easy to believe that you are lying again.
The down side is that you will lose some or all of the other party's trust, but that has already been damaged at this point anyway. The upside is, by employing this method of lying you might be able to keep a bad situation from turning into a complete disaster.

To better illustrate the 3rd Way To Lie, here is a short tale:
A married businessman spends the afternoon in a hotel room with his mistress. When he finally looks at his watch, he sees that it is very late and he knows that his wife will be furious. He borrows some of his girlfriend's blue eyeshadow and smears a little on his shirt sleeves and under his fingernails, dusts talcum powder on his hands and pants, then goes home. His wife angrily demands, "Where the hell have you been all this time?" He responds, "Honey, I have been in a hotel room with another woman making wild monkey-love all afternoon." She grabs his wrist, points to the blue smudges and powder residue, and replies, "Bullshit! You've been playing pool with the boys again!"

I hope that this helps any of you in the Wambulance Nation who find that, in spite of your best intentions and contrary to your upstanding personal nature, you must tell a lie.

Not that I ever would, of course.

My memory is shot to hell...